One thing I’ve learned as an expert traveler. DON’T use the expert traveler lane at Midway!You see, in some airports, the TSA has set up lanes to alleviate the frustration. You’ve got the black diamond lane, where the road warrior business travelers (are supposed to) go. Then there’s the casual lane where the weekenders going to see the grandkids or the couple headed to the beach are supposed to queue up. Then there’s the green circle lane, families and those with medication. The assumption being that they’ll need more time.

Everyone likes to think they are an expert. What with their elaborate strap tie shoes, four carry on items, laptop and bag of liquids and gels.

Meanwhile the family lane is treated like it’s a line for H1N1 injections. People are just too proud to head to that lane. I’m an expert! What’s hilarious is that they use shape and color similar to ski slopes. So you’ve got got people way above their experience level sliding down the lane they have no business being in.

So what did I do?

I roll up and stand in a 5 person ID line and then on my way to the metal detectors I find myself whisked away to the Airline employee lane as they only pull people from the left two lanes…both family lanes.  Total time in security? About 10 minutes.

Were it not a holiday I’d be cool with sitting on the couch tonight but it’s kind of cool knowing you’re an expert traveler chilling in the family lane

The weekend in Chicago was great, save for the intermittent bouts with illness. The four day span was a rollercoaster physically. Late on Thursday I couldn’t keep my eyes open, having accidentally taken some non-non-drowsy allergy medicine. Then on Friday I started to feel much better and figured I was making a turn for the cured. Saturday brought a return of the sore throat and nasal spigot, which wasn’t so bad, then Saturday night I was fine.

The kicker in all this was that I really did take care of my body this weekend. I wasn’t up much past 11 each of the three nights I was there. I limited alcohol intake and never so much as glanced at a cigarette. But yet my body still hates me.

Today saw a ‘cacophony’ of noises as Millie so eloquently put it, but by and large I was fine. Then came the 36,000-foot cruise back to the dirty. I am a man with a high pain threshold, but the descent into Birmingham nearly reduced me to tears. The reintroduction of pressure to my sinus passages brought an agonizing torture that no amount of jaw popping and or nose-pinched, mouth blowing could alleviate. Seriously, I wouldn’t wish it on any of the people I despise (Hyundai drivers in Mobile, in-boarding area diaper changers etc.) I sat there thinking how best to apologize to the family in front me when my sinus passages reached capacity and my face went IED on their four-year old. Krr-pow. Luckily my body readjusted before the fuse ran out and I was able to keep this model-looking mug intact.

Anyway, here I am, ready to die again. Combining a cold with allergies was worse than the flu I suffered back in February, much, much worse. At least then I could take NyQuil and not deal with body aches for 4-6 hours. I foresee a restless night of coughing ahead.

5 days until Friday.

Scheduled departure: 7:35 Actual departure: 9:30
Scheduled arrival: 9:14 Actual arrival: 10:46

Arrived at O’Hare Airport at 10:55 a.m., left Birmingham airport at 11:00 p.m.

Thanks Continental Express.

Story: I spent an extended weekend in Chicago but needed to be in Montgomery by 6:30 on Monday evening for a banquet. I booked a 12:10 flight out of Chicago, landing in Houston at 2:50 with a connection to Montgomery scheduled to leave at 3:35, landing at 5:15.

The flight left Chicago closer to 1:00 and landed in Houston at 3:30. Thankfully the 3:35 flight left Houston as scheduled….without me. After sprinting up the jetway and explaining my plight to the gate agent she checked and just looked at me and said “Oh, yeah that flight is long gone.” Which is shocking considering NO ONE leaves on time these days. It’s a given that flights won’t leave origins at a decent hour. Airlines are actually building these delays into the schedule. So when the flights actually leave on schedule it creates a problem for people like me. What’s frustrating is that I kept up my end of the contract. I paid for the flight, arrived at the airport on time, didn’t have liquids or gels and was at the gate precisely one hour before the scheduled departure. Still there was no sense of urgency to get the plane away from the gate on time. No one seemed to move at a pace consistent with keeping a schedule. The inbound flight was late, but it was still there at 11:45..Southwest can turn a 737 around in 30 minutes, why can’t Continental turn around an ERJ in less than an hour?

The flight attendant and gate agent in Houston were extremely helpful as was the customer service rep at the help desk in the terminal. My original plan was to attend a banquet in Montgomery and then rent a car and drive back to Birmingham where my flight Friday originated. I did this because I need to get to work on Tuesday morning. I was offered a flight later to Montgomery but asked to be switched to Birmingham. After a call I was told I could do this and was booked on a non-stop to Birmingham departing four hours later. So here I am in Houston, waiting for that flight.

This is why I love Southwest.

It’s funny sitting here though as I’m right near the end of the security line and the beginning of the terminal. People are walking in to this bar half-dressed as they finish the TSA supper-happy fun time exercise. They’re stuffing laptops bag in bags, have their belts half on, shoes off, sticking their keys back in their pockets, making cell phone calls. It’s kind looks like everyone is fresh off an all-night bender where they woke up next to someone who was not their spouse and thought “Oh shit, how am I going to explain this one? And dammit I have to go work…” Meanwhile they’re making up excuses, in a hurry to get somewhere and just generally in an unpleasant mood.

Then you’ve got the guy sitting at the bar with his AWESOME Hollister shirt, backwards hat, loud voice, Corona in hand. (He’s going to Denver) He seems like the guy who doesn’t quit drinking after a night out, just drinks himself sober.

I may have conversations for these people a little later. It’s a great way to pass the time.